Powerlessness came up in our group this past week. It struck me that though I've seen God's incredible providence in so many areas like career, finances, health, and friendships, where I feel the most powerless in my relationship with my family. When it comes to family, all I have seen is brokenness, dysfunction and deep, deep disappointment.

I've spent a large part of my early life trying to change my family and then eventually, as I became an adult, trying to escape them. As soon as I turned 18, I fled from home in fear, anger and hurt. I tried to put as much physical and emotional distance between them and myself as I could. But underneath there has been a searing, painful loss that has followed me wherever I go. Time after time, I run into the reality of my powerlessness to change my family or to heal this part of me that continually weeps over it's brokenness.

The self pity that I live under in my family disappointment has been my Egypt for decades. In some ways, this is a comfortable place for me to be but it also makes me feel like a victim. When I keep putting expectations on my family that I know they cannot live up to, it just adds to the deep reservoir of disappointment and resentment that I hold inside. The weightiness of all the resentment stifles me. It shuts me down. It makes me feel dead inside. I've turned to any means possible to numb the pain - drinking, distracting, distancing, but have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to help the hurting parts of me.

For me to move out of Egypt into the wilderness would mean that I have to let go of my self pity. In order to do this, I must enter into a place of grieving the things that my family could not give me and forgiving them of the responsibility to love me perfectly. The more I go to my family with my demands, the more I get sucked back into the powerlessness of self pity. Instead, I am making the decision to turn these hurting and needy parts over to God with open hands, hoping and trusting that he will provide for me in some way.  Being in this place feels extremely vulnerable. It's easier to numb the pain or try to get what I need from my family then it is to live into the pain and trust that God will show up. I felt powerless in Egypt but in some ways I feel even more powerless in the wilderness.