As a young adult, I found myself hitting a wall in my faith. Having become a Christian in a somewhat charismatic expression of evangelicalism, I found it increasingly difficult to reconcile the promises of a fix-all faith with ongoing bouts of depression, anxiety, and inexplicable anger. These mental health challenges had been certainly present in my life prior to accepting Christ, but never so vivid. The rigidity of the tradition in which I had found and embraced was proving to be brittle protection from these spiritual elements. I was doing everything I could think of to help me keep my head above water but the normal fixes were starting to fail. I had run out of ideas and, since I lived in an intentional community, the only thing I could do this with privacy was to drive out to Gasworks Park at night, take in the view of downtown Seattle, and “have it out” with God. These “real talk” sessions took place weekly and lasted for about 6 months. I asked a lot of questions and demanded a lot of answers but all I got in return was a lot of silence. Interestingly, instead of feeling alone or disappointed, I felt held. I also felt something fundamentally shift within.

It would take much longer to understand what all that “car talk” time opened up for within me spiritually, but what I did realize was that it was okay to ask the questions that I wasn’t sure were okay to ask; that God could handle my rage and I could handle God’s unhurriedness. Rather than spending energy and time trying to avoid a growing discomfort and misalignment within, drowning it out with a constant set of “Christian” busy-ness activities, three jobs while attending school full time (really), or disordered eating habits, I learned that the most potent way to deal with me was to…deal with me; to confront my limitations and let them not only teach me something about who I was, but who God could be. I learned that it was okay to ask the questions and shake the fist and that maybe asking the questions and shaking the fist is the most faithful response of all, at least for awhile. As it turns out, the Psalmist knew something about experiences like these. Join us this Sunday at 10am (in person or online) as we explore how Psalms of “disorientation” give us permission to shake our fists with the best of God’s people and be reminded that sometimes the most faithful response is the most honest response.

Faithfully,
Pastor Emily